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Relationship

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Are Relationships Really To Be Desired?

gfgf Every day, at some point in the day, I find myself thinking about being in a relationship. Either that or I'm thinking about the program or decor for my wedding.This has been especially true this month since it seems like almost every person on my Facebook friends list has been getting either married or engaged. I never knew December was the month for love birds!

Many single ladies often find themselves in the same predicament- dreaming about the perfect relationship. I'm not expecting a perfect relationship because I know no such thing exists. However, last night I had to stop myself and really question why I want to be in a relationship so badly. After all, a relationship is much more than just the warm feeling you get when you think about that special person. It most certainly is more than the ridiculously expensive wedding that you'll be encouraged to put on. It is a commitment of mind, body and soul. You can no longer focus solely on your needs, dreams, and desires. Instead, you have to ensure that you also pay attention to all that your partner wants, dreams and desires. The more I think about it is the more fearful I am about being in a relationship. I've been there and I know how completely I give myself to my partner. Do I really want to go through that again only to end up being alone after years of commitment?

A Beautiful Relationship is Formed with the Right Person

I've been told on countless occasions that you can be ridiculously happy in a relationship if you find the person who is right for you. I've even observed couples who've been married for years and still seem happy. My fear is that I will never experience that reality. How can I know that the person is right for me? Will he come with a check mark beside his face?

You Get to Know Someone by Dating

Dating is one of the best ways to get to know someone. Granted, most people put on a front to impress those they are dating. Nevertheless, after one or two dates it's sometimes fairly easy to know if you and the other person will click. The thing with dating though is that it requires money. At this stage of our lives, the people in my circles don't have much of that (neither do I for that matter). Yes, there are creative and inexpensive ways to date. Has anyone I know ever thought of them or tried them? Of course not. So, dating is restricted to occasional link ups and chatting via text messages, What's App, or Facebook. Don't get me wrong...doing these things does help people get to know each other over time. However, going on a date every now and again would be nice. My fear is that I won't find someone who will make that effort to think outside the box with his limited budget.

A Relationship is About Giving Yourself Completely to Someone

It is terrifying to know that relationships involve complete trust and being willing to share all your fears and desires with someone. It really is. It's hard to do this with a best friend much less someone who you're not sure will stay around. Is it really possible to trust so completely? Is it even ok to give yourself so freely?

I know that I've been rambling, but I just had to get these thoughts out. I would love to hear your feedback. Feel free to leave comments in the space provided below this post.

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His Wandering Eyes

Image You expect him to be faithful...to love you and only you. You give him your heart and your all and there's nothing in this world that you wouldn't do for him. So why does he have another woman in his life? Many women intuitively know when their man is cheating. Probably they smell the perfume on his clothes or hear him having hushed intimate conversations on his phone. However, whatever the signs are, the real question is how do you deal with them when you know he is the man you love?

Confront Him

It doesn't make sense avoiding the issue. If you suspect that something isn't right then ask him to be honest about it. If he loves you, he will be honest. Some men will lie and say that nothing is going on and,if that is the case, confront his friends. One of them is bound to tell you what's really going on when you aren't around.

Find Out the Reason

Aside from not being able to be satisfied with what he has, a man may have other reasons for looking to another woman. Talk to him about it and if there is anything you can work on then make an effort to do so. When you are married and have children to think about especially, it is important for you to try to make the relationship work. The hard times should make the relationship stronger. However, when you discuss the reasons with him, you both should be able to come to an understanding that if it happens again you will leave since it is evident he wouldn't have been making an effort to make your relationship work.

Remove Him

Some people are just not worth having in your life regardless of how much you love them. If it is really evident that he is cheating just to fulfill his selfish sexual desires then it is time for you to go because it is bound to happen again. It is hard to walk away but doing so will protect you from a world of hurt further down the road.

Both men and women are attracted to what looks and seems good to them so even when they are in relationships, they have wandering eyes. However, when either party decides to act on that attraction a problem develops. Learn to make these attractions just a fleeting glance instead of a "one night stand" or long term affair for the sake of your relationship. Also, if you suspect your man is cheating, discuss the issue with him and then make a decision about whether or not he is still worth having in your life.

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What Makes a Strong Relationship?

tumblr_mq0x9nDqIx1rataypo1_400 So, you've found Mr. Right and you've been with him for awhile. Everything seems so perfect that it's almost too good to be true. How do you keep this strong, healthy relationship going?

Understand the Love Languages

Gary Chapman, world renowned minister and author, coined a very interesting term that I believe should be the foundation of all relationships...the five love languages. When you understand what your partner's love language is, you are better able to help him feel loved. Some men have "acts of service" as their primary love language which means that when their women do small tasks for them, they feel loved. If you know that your man loves when his dinner is cooked and the house is clean then put in the effort to ensure these needs are met. Conversely, he should also understand your love language so that he is able to fulfill what you need to feel loved. My primary love languages are "quality time" and "words of affirmation". I really love when my man makes an effort to spend time with me....this is very important to me. I also feel loved when he tells me I'm beautiful and says things to inspire me and boost my mood. It is crucial that you both understand each other in this way so that you can meet each other's needs to feel loved.

Communicate

Whenever two people spend lots of time together and are in each other's spaces for prolonged periods of time, there is bound to be conflict. Some couples argue while others avoid each other in order to deal with conflicts. However, I believe that the best way to deal with conflicts is to approach them calmly and talk them out. Talking them out means that you understand the need to listen to what each other is saying and not accuse each other. Using "I" statements instead of "You" statements can help to relieve the feeling of accusation. For example, instead of saying "You're always out with your friends and you never spend time with me", you can say "I feel neglected and lonely when you spend so much time with your friends. I feel as though you are hardly home." Effective communication keeps a healthy relationship going.

Break any Existing Monotony

Sometimes, couples can become so comfortable that they end up taking the romance out of their relationships. Keep the flame alive by going on exciting adventures together and making time to enjoy new experiences together. Probably you can try zip lining or something else out of the norm together. You would be surprised at how these simple things can open your eyes to things you never knew about your partner and draw you closer together.

Good relationships are rare so if you have one, do everything that you can to hold on to it.

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Reclaiming Your Identity

When you have been in a relationship with someone for an extensive period of time, people view both you and your partner as one even if you aren't married. One thing that I have been struggling with and that annoys me greatly is the fact that no matter how long ago your relationship has ended, people still view you as "X's girlfriend" and place limitations on you because of that. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the situation...how can I make people see that I am my own individual and I deserve to experience love with someone else? I believe, for one, that if I had claimed myself as an individual while in the relationship this wouldn't be such an issue now. (In my post entitled Marriage I talk about the things a woman should do and have before she settles down with someone. I believe that if I had most of those things before I got into the relationship, things would have been different).

Here are some things that I think can be done to help you reclaim your identity after a break-up:

Meet New People

When you meet and develop friendships with people who never knew your ex or the relationship you had with his or her, it makes it much easier for these people to see you for who you are. Get involved in activities that allow you to interact with people. You should be able to make a new friend from at least one of the activities you engage in.

Talk to Your Friends About It

Your friends may not even realise that how they behave around you or what they say as it relates to you and your ex is affecting you. Talk to them about how you feel and help them to understand that you want them to see you as who you are and not as "X's girlfriend or boyfriend".

Avoid Doing "Couple Like" Things

If you and your ex are still friends then you are bound to hang out and chat as friends do. Although it may not be your intention, you may do things that make people wonder "Hmmm....maybe they're back together". You therefore need to be conscious of how you interact with your ex.

It is important, as you move on from a break up, to be able to reclaim your identity. You are your own person after all.  Hopefully, these tips can help you to be viewed as the individual you are among your friends.

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Know Thyself

Image Who am I? Seems like a simple question right? But if you really pause to think about it...what would your response be? Personally, I would give a generic answer such as, "Hi. I'm Christine and I'm a caring person."  However, truly knowing oneself extends far beyond the superficial and forces us to embrace every facet of who we are (both good and bad; both strengths and weaknesses).

I could very easily point out everything I dislike about myself and I have yet to truly embrace the good qualities that I have. As a result, I tend to look for someone to show me what good there really is in me and this, naturally, leads to problems in the intimate relationships I have had. Before you can share yourself with someone else you have to be able to appreciate and accept every facet of your being....you have to be able to know and love who you are. Loving yourself means that you understand your strengths and weaknesses and you know how to minimise your weaknesses and maximise your strengths.

Comparison is one of the things that leads to self-hatred and low self esteem. Trust me, I've been there and done that. However, we have to realise that there will ALWAYS be someone who is better than us or who has more talents than we do. The moment we are able to stop looking at what others have and begin to strengthen what we already possess is when we have truly discovered the meaning of our lives. Look at it this way, people go to the gym to develop their physique. The more they work out is the stronger and more toned they become. If they don't work out they go back to square one and are therefore not able to become the "sexy beasts" they know they can become. Similarly, if we don't do things to develop the strengths we have, they will become underdeveloped and we won't be able to maximise our true potential.

I am beginning my journey of self discovery and I hope that this will help me to have an excellent relationship with my life long partner in the future. Will you begin to embrace who you are and truly LOVE yourself?

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