Viewing entries tagged
Love

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#Blacklivesmatter...what it really means

Black. Lives. Matter. Each word, each syllable reminds us of a time that we thought had ended long ago. Slavery ended centuries ago, but it still prevails today in many ways. We tend to focus on the physical and socioeconomic effects of slavery. However, slavery was much more than people of ethnic origin working for hours on end in the grueling sun. It was degradation at its peak. Black people were infused with thoughts of inferiority and a mentality that  they would never have the same opportunities as whites. The superiority complex of the whites was perpetuated.

This mental bondage still pervades today throughout the world. People who aren't Caucasian are deemed insignificant or incapable. In America in particular being black, Hispanic, or Chinese often causes you to receive disapproving stares or disparaging remarks from those who deem themselves to be superior. People see the senseless killings of black men and women by police in America and create an upheaval. They form a #blacklivesmatters movement and stage protests. "Let our voices be heard!" they scream. "Stop mistreating us!" they exclaim. However, all of their shouts and screams dissipate into the still air around them. Making not impact. Leaving no mark.

Why won't these protest change anything? In the grand scheme of things, these protests don't attack the root problem: the white supremacist mentality. All types of supremacy mentalities are causing the collapse of the world as we know it. Look at Bangladesh and other countries in the Middle East where people are in the midst of a war zone. Look at some of the countries in Africa where people are turning against their own in favor of wealth and power. Something is inherently wrong with the way the world thinks. Until that changes, black lives won't matter. Hispanic lives won't matter. Chinese lives won't matter. Life won't matter. The fact that the color of your skin affects how you are treated is ludicrous. The same blood runs through our veins. Until we learn to judge each other by the quality of our thoughts and accomplishments, the world will continue to be filled with hate.

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Maturing in Singledom

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Experience teaches wisdom...at least that's what most people say. The tangled web of emotions associated with complicated relationships can often result in experience being thrown through the window and foolish decisions being made. At least that's what my experience has taught me. My experience has also taught me that it may be best for me to be alone and embrace the life of a single woman. Although there is no textbook prescription for a perfect relationship, I have been doing a lot of reading to try to understand how my personality affects my interactions and who would really b the right type of person for me. I started viewing sites such as http://www.astrologycompanion.com/virgo-compatibility/ and taking compatibility quizzes until I saw this image today:

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Anger boiled within me as I read the chart. Who really has the audacity to tell me that I am compatible with no one? Why should I allow people's opinions to dictate who I choose to spend the rest of my life with?

This led to me doing some introspection. Each experience I have had has taught me aspects of my personality that I need to change and things I need to do to be happier and enjoy life. I describe these revelations as my "shining lights". Hopefully these shining lights can be your guide as you navigate the waters of singledom.

Shining Light 1:  No One Controls Your Happiness but You

Earlier this year on of my friendships turned sour. This greatly affected me because of how close I was to the person. The pervading thoughts in my mind sucked the joy out of me. Talking about it with my friends didn't help. In fact, it made how I felt worse because I felt it was something I should have battled on my own. Last week I decided to forgive the person completely. Only then did I feel a weight lift off of my shoulders. Only then was I able to communicate with him without feeling resentment. Only then did I realize that when I do enter a relationship, I should avoid harboring resentment in my mind and make the difficult choice to forgive. No one should have power of my thoughts in that way ever again.

Shining Light 2: Create Your Own Experiences

As an introvert, I understand the value of solitude. However, I have never been able to appreciate the value of solitude when going out. In my mind it makes no sense to go out without company. With my very limited budget I have learnt the value of going out alone. There are times when I leave work and find somewhere to just sit and chill with my thoughts. I'm even thinking about taking a road trip sometime next year when I can round up some cash. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company.

Shining Light 3: Loneliness Doesn't Validate Settling

Sometime last month I met an interesting character. Thankfully, he showed is true colours early enough for me to realize that he wasn't worth my time. However, there have been times when my loneliness has gotten so bad that I have thought about contacting him (it's a good thing I deleted his number). Loneliness doesn't make settling for the wrong person worth it. It's better to be alone than to be in an unfulfilling relationship. I have even begun to look at the beautiful relationships that my friends have and used their experiences as examples of what I want for myself.

I am embracing and enjoying my single life. If a relationship is to happen then I will welcome it with the right person. The three shining lights I have outlined will be my guiding principles stepping into the future.

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Creating Your Own Happiness

lklklk The past few months have been difficult for me. In this small time frame I have felt more like a failure than any other time in my life (and there have been several times in my life when I've felt like a failure). Every aspect of my life has EPIC FAIL written all over it- my lackluster love life, my career, and my spirituality. My friends keep telling me that I'm an over-thinker, I'm not aggressive enough, I'm not observant enough, I need to let loose. You know what, they're right. I am not enough. However, there is one thing that I have come to realize. I am in charge of my own happiness. I can't control my fate or the outcomes of my actions, but I can control my attitude and my happiness.

This morning I came up with four keys to happiness. I want to start using these keys to open doors to a better a more fulfilling life. Maybe this strategy will work, maybe it won't. At least I would know that I've tried.

Key #1: Let Go

In order to move forward you have to let go of the hurt of the past. I know that I will be perpetually unhappy if I keep holding on to bad memories and constant hurt. There comes a time when we all just have to shake the dust off, forgive, forget, and move on. The others who have harmed you have already moved on so what are you really holding on to?

Key #2: Discover Yourself

Because of how I was raised I don't think I had the opportunity to fully discover who I am and what I really want out of life. Granted, I was raised well by my beautiful mother who taught me strong values and principles. However, I think I've gotten to a point in my life where I don't want to feel like I have to be afraid to explore and learn more about me. I have lived under an umbrella of people's expectations. Those expectations are meaningless to me now. Now, I want to come from under the umbrella and feel the beauty of the rain.

Key #3: Realize that No one Else Can Make You Happy But You

If we depend on other people to make us happy then we will continuously be disappointed. People will always disappoint us simply because they are imperfect beings. However, when you know what you enjoy doing then you can just go out and do it. If you enjoy karaoke, why not treat yourself to a karaoke evening? If you enjoy going to the beach, why don't you drive there one evening and enjoy the beautiful sand and surf? When you enjoy your own company and truly understand who you are, you attract and exude happiness.

Key #4: Finding Love Isn't Necessarily the Answer

Some of us accept the notion that finding our soul mates will answer our happiness issues. That's a lie. If you can't be happy on your own, how do you expect someone else to make you happy? Also, as I said in key #3, we can't depend on others to make us happy because we will continuously be disappointed. Love has its limits. There is hardly any human being who would go out of his or her way to keep a perpetually depressed person happy. In all honesty, perpetually depressed people are a pain to be around and hard to commit to. Don't be one of those people.

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Love is a Decision

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Society has brainwashed us into believing that love is a fairy tale. Love is portrayed as a beautiful romance that is full of happiness and joy and a knight rescuing a damsel in distress. In reality, however, this is far from the case. Love begins with attraction. We are attracted to others because of their physical appearance and personalities. However, those attributes aren't enough to make a relationship last. Love is a decision to...

Be Faithful

When there are so many options to choose from, it can become difficult to not develop a wandering eye. True love influences you to nip those desires in the bud and remain faithful to your partner. There is no giving into any moments of weakness. There are no excuses. Love is a decision to be faithful regardless of the challenging situations you are presented with.

Be Selfless

Oftentimes we enter relationships because of what the other person can provide for us. Some of us enter relationships looking for someone to meet our emotional needs; others are looking for someone to meet their financial needs; some are looking for both. Love is a decision to let go of our needs and consider the needs of our partner. It doesn't mean that you're going to become a sacrificial lamb and ignore your own needs. Not by any means. However, some people make their relationships all about them with minimal consideration to the other person's needs. That's not what love is about. Love is about meeting your partner's needs and if both of you are doing that, both of your needs will be equally met.

Be Supportive

We all have dreams and goals. When you're in love you should know what your partner's dreams and goals are so that you can support him in accomplishing them. Traditional wedding vows also say that a couple is to stay together "For better or for worse...in good times and in bad". It seems like people forget this line when circumstancs become difficult. When there's no money left, you're still supposed to make a decision to love. When your husband is struggling, you're still supposed to make the decision to love and help him find a way out.

Make the Relationship Last 

Some things are not worth holding on to. We all know that. Before you give up on your relationship though, you have to make an effort to put the pieces back together. That's what love is about. You don't leave something because it's broken. Instead, you do everything to fix it. When all of that fails then it's time to move on.

 

Love is more than just physical attraction and butterflies in your stomach. It's more than just admiring a winning personality. It's a decision to be faithful, be selfless, be supportive, and make the relationship last. It's not easy, but those who go through the fire often emerge stronger then they were before. Don't give up on love.

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What Makes Him Mr. Right

ffhgfg It has often been said that the best person to get into a relationship with is someone who is the complete opposite of who you are. Of course you'd have to share some core values, but the difference in personalities helps to add spice to the relationship. At least that's what we've been told. Here, what works for magnets (where opposite poles attract) is being applied to the one ting that unites two people on deeply intimate levels- a relationship. People are starkly different from magnets. We're dynamic and colourful- a juxtaposition of right and wrong. There is, therefore, no rule or book or school of thought that can truly dictate what makes an individual right for you. It's something you discover on your own. The following are some tips that can help you on the road to discovery. Discovering Mr. Right is something only you can do, but these tips can help guide you in the process.

Understand Who You Are

There is no way that you're going to find the RIGHT person if you are completely clueless about who you are.  When you don't understand who you are, yon begin to look for answers in the people you surround yourself with. Some of these people may take advantage of that and only leave you more damaged and confused. Understanding who you are is a process that takes time. There are some people in their twenties who are still completely lost. If you are one of these people (maybe you're not in your twenties, but you're still lost) then you can use the QDR strategy to begin the journey of self-discovery.

Q- Question

Ask yourself important questions. What do you believe? Why do you believe what you believe? What are your dreams? Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? You will discover the answers to these questions overtime, but the point is to seriously think about them. They are the gateway to the next step on the journey.

D-Discover

The only way that you are going to be able to test whether or not your answers are correct is through experience. Go out more. Interact with people more. Step outside of your comfort zone.

R-React

When Thomas Edison discovered that he could solve the problem of a lack of bright, steady light in the night time, he didn't just sit on his idea. Instead, he reacted and created one of the most useful inventions- the light bulb. As you discover more about who you are, react by gaining more experiences in what you enjoy and believe. Stand true to your values. Doing these things will help you attract the kind of person you'd want to spend a lifetime with.

Be Wary of Who You Spend Your Time With

Your life partner isn't necessarily going to be a random stranger you meet at some dingy bar. Instead, he more than likely will be that friend you've had for months or years. This truth means that you need to be careful about who you allow into your inner circles. Don't keep people who don't respect who you are. Even if your personalities and values differ, that respect will prevent them from leading you astray.

Don't Be Afraid to Give Someone Who Is Similar to You a Chance

It is true that we are often attracted to people with personalities opposite to our own. So, a quiet and reserved woman may be attracted to a more outgoing and verbose man. Being with that type of person helps you to discover things about yourself that you may never have discovered with someone with a personality similar to yours. The flip side to this, however, is that people who are opposites often don't understand each other. In fact, they began to irritate each other after awhile. For instance, the verbose man may eventually become annoyed by the very quiet woman.

This doesn't mean that you can't find Mr. Right in someone opposite to you, however. It simply means that you shouldn't rule out someone with a personality similar to yours either. He may just be the one for you.

 

There are no hard fast rules when it comes to relationships. What is true, however, is that you need to understand who you are and what you stand for in order to attract the man who is right for you. He may already be within your reach...you just need to open your eyes and get rid of your checklist. At the end of the day it's about who you're happy with. It's about the person who brings out the best in you while you bring out the best in him. It's about the man who can be your best friend and who can accept you for who you are, flaws and all. It's also about you being able to be all of these things for him as well.

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Are Relationships Really To Be Desired?

gfgf Every day, at some point in the day, I find myself thinking about being in a relationship. Either that or I'm thinking about the program or decor for my wedding.This has been especially true this month since it seems like almost every person on my Facebook friends list has been getting either married or engaged. I never knew December was the month for love birds!

Many single ladies often find themselves in the same predicament- dreaming about the perfect relationship. I'm not expecting a perfect relationship because I know no such thing exists. However, last night I had to stop myself and really question why I want to be in a relationship so badly. After all, a relationship is much more than just the warm feeling you get when you think about that special person. It most certainly is more than the ridiculously expensive wedding that you'll be encouraged to put on. It is a commitment of mind, body and soul. You can no longer focus solely on your needs, dreams, and desires. Instead, you have to ensure that you also pay attention to all that your partner wants, dreams and desires. The more I think about it is the more fearful I am about being in a relationship. I've been there and I know how completely I give myself to my partner. Do I really want to go through that again only to end up being alone after years of commitment?

A Beautiful Relationship is Formed with the Right Person

I've been told on countless occasions that you can be ridiculously happy in a relationship if you find the person who is right for you. I've even observed couples who've been married for years and still seem happy. My fear is that I will never experience that reality. How can I know that the person is right for me? Will he come with a check mark beside his face?

You Get to Know Someone by Dating

Dating is one of the best ways to get to know someone. Granted, most people put on a front to impress those they are dating. Nevertheless, after one or two dates it's sometimes fairly easy to know if you and the other person will click. The thing with dating though is that it requires money. At this stage of our lives, the people in my circles don't have much of that (neither do I for that matter). Yes, there are creative and inexpensive ways to date. Has anyone I know ever thought of them or tried them? Of course not. So, dating is restricted to occasional link ups and chatting via text messages, What's App, or Facebook. Don't get me wrong...doing these things does help people get to know each other over time. However, going on a date every now and again would be nice. My fear is that I won't find someone who will make that effort to think outside the box with his limited budget.

A Relationship is About Giving Yourself Completely to Someone

It is terrifying to know that relationships involve complete trust and being willing to share all your fears and desires with someone. It really is. It's hard to do this with a best friend much less someone who you're not sure will stay around. Is it really possible to trust so completely? Is it even ok to give yourself so freely?

I know that I've been rambling, but I just had to get these thoughts out. I would love to hear your feedback. Feel free to leave comments in the space provided below this post.

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Compatibility- Simple, Plain and Sweet

kkj You look into his eyes and feel butterflies forming in your stomach. His presence sends electricity through your veins that draw you closer to him and take you over the edge. You love him, he has your heart. However, is that really enough? If you really think about it, is he really the one who you’d want to stand with in the rain? More often than not we tend to settle for less than we deserve. We cling to people who don’t make us happy all in the name of love. Blinded by love, we get sucked deeper into an abyss that leaves us damaged when we eventually claw our way out. I’ve been there, done that. The most important lesson that I’ve learnt is the irreplaceable value of compatibility. Finding someone who blends well with every fiber of your being is the key to having a relationship that lasts a lifetime. Compatibility incorporates all of the following components.

Shared Interests

Unhappiness often comes from being with someone who doesn’t share your hobbies or think like you do. Your partner has to be someone you’d be willing to spend hours with engaging in activities and conversations you both enjoy. How are you going to spend a lifetime with someone who you can’t even enjoy being around?

Receiving Attention Without Asking

A person you’re compatible with will always want to talk to you and be in your presence. You don’t have to run after them like a lost puppy. Those people who have you begging for their attention often make you feel like a complete idiot because they’re annoyed by your calls. They make you feel as though something is wrong with your affection. Your compatible partner will relish your affection and endow you with the same or even more affection without you even asking.

Shared Beliefs

Let’s say that you think the sky is blue. If your partner is convinced that the sky is green and you’re a complete idiot then you’re going to face challenges in the future. A clearer example is a difference in religious beliefs. It is possible for a Muslim to love a Christian. However, what happens when they start to have children? What principles will they raise their children to believe? I am not saying that you and your partner will agree on everything. That’s impossible. However, your core beliefs have to be the same.

More than a Physical Connection

A couple has to be able to connect on more than a physical level. Each partner has to be able to stimulate the other intellectually and spiritually. Both partners in the relationship should be able to learn from and grow with the other. If your relationship is based on physical attraction, you are going to encounter problems in the future.

 

Strong Friendship

The best foundation for a relationship is a strong friendship. Good friends have been there for each other through thick and thin. They understand each other and tend to meet all of the criteria I’ve mentioned. Friends see each other at their worst and love each other regardless.

 

A strong relationship is one in which both partners are compatible. It has to be more than love. It has to be more than infatuation. Your partner has to be someone you want to build a life with, someone who blends with you so well that you can’t imagine building a life with someone else. Think carefully about these things before you decide to say “I do”.

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Relish the Single Life

Single people tend to envy those who are in relationships. They yearn for the love and companionship that couples tend to have. However, as I get older I have come to realize that envying these things is meaningless. In fact, envying these things can only cause more harm than good as you settle for less than you deserve because you don't want to be alone.  There is nothing wrong with being single and I just wanted to take some time to express my thoughts on the benefits of a single life. It Gives You Freedom

Being single gives you the opportunity to pursue your dreams in a way that you probably never could if you were in a relationship. You can settle in another country to start a fresh life. You can take a promotion in another state without having to worry about keeping your relationship alive. You can even advance your education without feeling guilty about leaving your partner behind.  There is so much you can do without worrying about how your partner feels.

You Learn to Love Yourself

I have learnt that you can't go into a relationship expecting someone to love you if you don't love yourself. When you're single you're able to discover your likes and dislikes without feeling obligated to do what your partner wants to do. Gradually, you begin to appreciate your beauty and feel comfortable making no apologies for who you are and why you do what you do. When you love yourself, you are better able to love others.

You Can Date More than One Person

Notice I said DATE NOT HAVE SEX WITH. I think that the value of dating has been lost in our society. We are more interested in getting too serious too quickly instead of truly getting to know someone before making the next step.  Dating more than one person makes it more likely that you'll make the right choice of someone to be with. This assumes that the people know that you're dating them to get to know them and not looking for anything serious at this particular point in time.

 

I'm sure that there are many more benefits, but these stand out to me. If you have any thoughts please feel free to express them in the comments section below.

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Rude by Magic

jjlkjlkj So you've found the girl of your dreams. When you look into her eyes you see heaven. She edifies your soul and inspires you to be a better man. There's only one problem- you have to get her dad's blessing before she'll marry you. She comes from a well-to-do family and her dad envisions his precious gem marrying a highly successful man. Definitely not the "cruff" you are. Nevertheless, you hop into your ancient car and roll with your crew to ask this man the big question. "Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?" Before you can finish asking the question, he shakes his head and closes the door in your face. No matter how many times you ask, the result is the same. So what do you do? Marry her anyway of course!

This is the story line of Magic's hot summer track Rude which charted on the Billboard Top 100. Its groovy reggae beat makes you bob your head and tap your feet from the beginning of the song straight to the end. However, the beat was only the second thing that caught my attention. The first thing was this amazing story line. Oftentimes we can't help who we fall in love with. So what if you fall in love with a girl who society dictates is well out of your league? What if she falls in love with you too? Are you just going to end the relationship or marry her anyway? It's a question that isn't as simple to answer as Magic makes it out to be. Nevertheless, it may be worth the risk since her dad may come around eventually. So will you move forward in the name of love or just let her go?

Click here to watch the music video.

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Defining True Love

lkljlk Love is an elusive concept. For many, it describes a feeling of attraction. However, true love is something that very few people experience in their lifetime. You see, love is more than feelings. It's more than butterflies in your stomach. True love requires hard work and sacrifice. It requires making your relationship work even when you feel like giving up.  It requires selflessness, sacrifice, commitment, and friendship.

Selflessness

Oftentimes we enter relationships because we want to feel good. We want to overcome loneliness. We want someone who will buy us nice things and take us to nice places. We want someone who will feed our egos. However, true love requires overlooking our desires. It requires that we put the needs of another individual before our own.  Instead of being selfish, it encourages us to be selfless.

Sacrifice

If true love requires us to be selfless, it is only logical that it will also require sacrifice.  There will be times when you will have to give up your comfort in order to make your partner comfortable. There will also be times when you have to sacrifice your own needs to meet the needs of your partner. It's hard work, but it is worthwhile if both partners love each other equally.

Commitment

Relationships are not easy. They involve several conflicts. True love requires us to be committed in the midst of conflict. Furthermore, it requires us to be committed even when we want to have an affair.  The vows we make should not be scoffed at. They should be treated with respect. For better or for worse. Through sickness or in health. Till death do us part.

Friendship

The best relationships are those in which both partners are friends.  They are able to share everything with each other. They are also able to enjoy each other's company no matter where they are. Friendship is a strong basis for the development of a lasting relationship.

 

If more people were focusing on these key components there would be stronger relationships in the world today. Two people who truly love each other are able to create a lasting bond. So, are you truly in love or are you experiencing infatuation?

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Strengthening Communication in Your Relationship

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                                     Strong Communication (Image Source)

Communication is an essential component of any relationship. Without it, conflicts arise that can result in something that is so beautiful becoming so grotesque. Communication requires more than being able to express your thoughts. Instead, it requires active listening, being able to remove blame, and thinking objectively instead of emotionally.

Active Listening

It can be very easy to say what you want to say. In fact, both of you maybe so eager to express your thoughts that you forget to listen to what is really being said. An article published on the blog myCravings.com outlines the following tips for effective and active listening:

  1. Face the speaker
  2. Maintain eye contact
  3. Minimize external and internal distractions
  4. Respond at appropriate intervals
  5. Focus on solely on what the speaker is saying instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next
  6. Keep an open mind
  7. Avoid offering advice unless asked
  8. Give the speaker time to finish even if they are launching a verbal attack on you
  9. Clarify by asking questions

So, the next time you are having a conversation with your partner, incorporate the aforementioned tips and see if you are better able to communicate.

Use “I” Statements

Regardless of how upset you are, it can be very difficult for someone to accept your point if you are accusing him or her. Instead of beginning your conversation with accusatory statements, use “I” statements to express how you feel. For instance, if you feel like your partner doesn’t do enough around the house don’t say “You are so lazy. Can’t you do anything to help me?”Instead say something like “John, I feel over worked and I am very tired when I get home from work in the evenings. I know that you are also tired, but can you help me to wash up the dishes and straighten the furniture in the evenings?” You would be surprised by how easily your partner responds.

Think Objectively

Women especially are very emotional beings. Sometimes our thinking defies logic and can drive our partner’s crazy. It is, therefore, important for us to make a conscious effort to think objectively about what our partner is saying instead of taking it personally. Also, if you think you are misunderstanding what is being said, clarify by asking questions. For instance, if a woman is out with her man and sees him giving a casual glance at another woman, she is going to react emotionally. However, if she considers the fact that he was not blatantly staring at the woman and wasn’t even flirting with her then she will agree that there is no need to blow what he did out of proportion.

 

A strong relationship is grounded in love, commitment, and effective communication. Use these tips to help you improve communication in your relationship.

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Get a Clue: 4 Ways to Know that You're Flirting

gdgdf You whisper sweet compliments in her ears, make her feel like she's the one for you, and glance at her with admiring eyes. She think you're into her and she's even beginning to wonder if she could be into you too. Surprisingly, a few weeks later she find out that you have a girlfriend and you had no idea that you was flirting with her. Some men really need to get a clue because flirting with the wrong woman can lead to the end of their relationships if they're not careful. So, how do you know that you're flirting?

#1: You Have Wandering Eyes

Every time she passes by, you find yourself looking at her from head to toe. She captures your attention with her beauty and, to you, you may just be casually admiring. To her, however, you want her...every inch of her. There's nothing wrong with admiring a beautiful woman, but don't make it more than just a slight glance especially if you know that you already have a woman of your own.

#2: Your Words

Words evoke emotions. Shower a woman with compliments and she is going to feel good about herself. At least that's what you think.  Your innocent intentions may just be to help a woman feel good, but she may interpret your words to mean far more than that. Nothing is wrong with saying "You look nice today." However, when you say things like "You are so beautiful to me, I would want you to be my girl," that's taking it a bit too far.  Phrase what you want to say carefully and simply.

#3: Your Touches

Some men are the touchy type. Whenever they are talking to a woman they have to touch her shoulder or her hair or her hand. These touches can often be misinterpreted and can lead you into serious problems. The best thing to do is keep your hands away. Keep them for your woman.

#4: Your Attention

When you begin to be overly attentive to a woman, she may think you are interested. Probably you just like her company and stimulating conversations. However, if you are always around her and always texting and calling her that is sending mixed signals. Make sure that you express to her clearly what your intentions are and tone it down a bit.

 

Sometimes, men genuinely do not know that they are flirting with a woman. You may just find her interesting , but have no intention of pursuing a relationship with her. So, be very careful about what you do and say. Don't play with her emotions.

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10 Things Women Want Men to Understand

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Women are the most complex creatures to ever roam the earth. We know that. Men know that and it makes it even more difficult for them to try to understand us. However, there are 10 key thoughts that I believe every woman wants men to understand. These thoughts are pretty straightforward and can be grasped by a man's rational mind. They can also strengthen a man's relationship with the woman he calls his own.

Thought #1: She wants to know where she stands

It is one of the worst experiences to love someone who seems to have no desire to make a commitment to you. Instead of playing with her emotions and beating around the bush, let her know where she stands. If you see no future with her, let her go. Don't encourage her to stay and continue to encourage increasing intimacy. If she's the one, then take her out of the "friend zone". More than likely, you will know before she does where the relationship is going. So, tell her very clearly where she stands.

Thought #2: If she's not interested she's simply not interested

I am very polite and sweet. So, I will never tell a man explicitly that I am not interested, but I will clearly hint at it. If a woman tells you "I don't think I am the one for you" then she really does not see a future with you. Stop pressuring her. Take the hint and move on.

Thought #3: She wants to be seen as your partner, not your convenience item

In a relationship, you and your woman are equals. She is not some doll that you can tell to get dressed up so that you can look good at the office party. She is a human being with her own thoughts, dreams, and emotions. Treat her as such and support her in the same way she supports you.

Thought #4: She wants you to call her beautiful

Whether she's wearing nice makeup and her sexiest dress or she's in her pajamas with her hair all over the place, your woman wants to know that you think she's beautiful. Some of you may be saying "She's supposed to know that". You may tell her occasionally, but she needs to hear it every day.

Thought #5: A time will come when she stops accepting crap

When a woman loves, she loves deeply. This love often results in her turning a blind eye to some things that her man will do. However, there will come a time when her love isn't enough. Don’t let her get to this point. If you truly love her, don't make her jealous and don't abuse her. Instead, treat her like a queen. Love her, care for her, appreciate her. She will return your love tenfold.

Thought #6: She is not your maid

Yes, it is expected that a woman should be able to wash, cook and clean. However, in our present society, a woman's role extends further since she has to help her spouse provide an income for the family. I believe that a man and woman should share household responsibilities. Help her with the washing, cooking and cleaning instead of expecting her to be a superwoman.

Thought #7: She wants you to only have eyes for her

Women are beautiful and your woman knows that your eye will always wander. However, this doesn't mean that she still doesn't expect you to have eyes only for her. It may seem impractical, but it hurts her emotionally when you gush over other women. Let her know that she is the most beautiful woman you know.

Thought #8: She wants to know how you feel.

Women are emotional. Men are rational. She knows this. However, she still wants to know what bothers you. She still wants you to express your thoughts to her. She wants to be a part of your world. Open the doors and let her in.

Thought #9: She wants to have intelligent conversations.

Modern women are highly educated and focused. They don't have the time for men with no ambition who don't have the ability to hold intelligent conversations. Stimulate a woman's mind and you're close to winning her heart.

Thought #10: Don't take her love for granted.

Show that you love your woman just as much as she loves you. Don't wait until she makes a kind gesture to reciprocate it. Don't wait on her to express her love before you do. Show her that you love her.

 

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Becoming the Woman He Wants

Image Some good women really struggle to hold on to the men they want in their lives. They give their all in a relationship and still end up being cheated on or in a "one sided" relationship where the man shows very little interest.  These women constantly ask themselves "How do I make him want me and only me?" The answer is something that very few women have found and mastered...it all begins with YOU. Although the characteristics a man desires to have in a woman differs from  one individual to the next, there are certain desirable characteristics that most men search for.

Confidence

You could be the smallest or least talented person in the world but when you love yourself and understand your strengths, the confidence you exude is magnetic. Men love women who are secure with who they are and are able to appreciate themselves. As some of my friends put it "There's just something incredibly sexy about a confident woman". If you are constantly belittling yourself your man is going to get tired of it eventually even if he doesn't express this to you. So, begin to view yourself in a positive light and stop expecting him to do that for you. When you know and show that you can stand in front of a crowd and deliver an awesome speech or look incredibly sexy in an elegant black dress, he will be proud to have you at his side and shower you with compliments that you didn't even expect. Appreciate what God has blessed you with and make it work for you and instead of wishing for more, love what you already have.

You Make Him HAPPY

If you make your man feel like he is a bad person and that he can't do anything right, he is going to become unhappy. yes, you should be able to challenge each other to become better people but that doesn't mean that you should constantly highlight his flaws. Show your appreciation for all the good he does and all the good he is and be his support as he gradually makes positive changes in his life. Don't pressure him but love him and be patient with him. Make him feel good and he will want to stay.

Don't Pester

Men don't like nagging women. He doesn't need you to call him every minute of the day. Give him a little breathing room and TRUST him. Trusting him doesn't mean that you're going to be stupid, however. If he is cheating (and you have evidence to prove this) then you need to confront him about it and decide if it's time for you to leave or time to try to mend your relationship.

Let Him Be a Man

When I go out with someone (and I have some funds available), I have this tendency to want to foot the bill especially when I believe the person is having a rough time financially. It is a bad practice to adopt,however, because a man should be allowed to play his role in a relationship. When you begin to take over, he begins to shrink into the background and that makes him feel less like a man. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should take advantage of him and make ludicrous requests like asking him to pay for a trip to Italy when you know he can't afford it. Also, I'm not saying that you can't pick up the bill from time to time especially when his pocket is tight. However, you should allow him to play his role as provider and not allow him to become complacent.

Sex

Physical intimacy is an important aspect of a relationship. If he isn't getting "good loving" from you he will find elsewhere. Although I believe that sex should be reserved for marriage, it doesn't negate the fact that it is critical to the health of a relationship. The love that is expressed during sex between two people who love each other is a love that can't be expressed verbally. Don't neglect your man's sexual needs.

Add Spice 

Have you ever tried making a cake and added a little nutmeg or cinnamon to it? These sole additions can transform an ordinary cake into something exceptionally delicious. The same is true for relationships. The more adventure there is in a relationship is the stronger it becomes. Find time to date and go to places you've never been. You'd be surprised by how much you learn about each other and how much stronger your bond becomes after each new adventure. Be someone he can have fun with.

With all of this said, the truth of the matter is that there is always the possibility that he may just not be the right man for you. However, if he is and he really wants to be with you then I believe these tips will help you become the woman he wants.

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Be....

To live a truly fulfilling life, I believe that there are certain attributes we should all aspire to attain. I believe that we should be.... Bold

bold

Fear can be our worst enemy and hold us back from some amazing opportunities.  Being bold doesn't mean that fear is absent. Instead, it means that you look fear in the eyes and say "I'm stronger than you". Be bold enough to not succuum to peer pressure and to stand up for what you believe in. Be bold enough to explore new frontiers and go outside of your comfort zone. When you do something that you truly thought you could never do is when you begin to realise your true potential.

Unique

thinker

Each of us has a unique personality and unique interests that help to make us the people we are. However, some of us succumb to peer pressure and allow those around us to change who we truly are. Always remember to be true to yourself and appreciate who you are. When you truly love yourself and your individuality is when you can truly begin to make a meaningful impact in other people's lives.

Extraordinary

extraordinary-pyramids

Never settle for mediocrity. In everything that you do, be the best that you can be.  Even if you hate your job, give it 110% of your effort...you never know who is watching you and could provide you with the opportunity of a lifetime. Be the best that you can be in all that you do.

Humble

humility

The Bible speaks many times about humility. For example, in Romans 12:3 it speaks about us not thinking that we are better than we are but to instead think of ourselves in "sober judgement". Also, in Proverbs 16:8 it says that "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall". Live a life of humility and people will respect you for it. No one is better than anyone else and we are each blessed with our own gifts and abilities.

Loving

helping-hand

In our society, we tend to view love as a feeling of intimacy between two people. However, love is far more than that and extends to everyone we interact with. Love means being helpful and understanding other people's circumstances. It means not being disrespectful to those around us and offering a smile to those who pass our way. If there were more of this type of love in the world, violence and crime would be virtually non-existent.

 

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Finding True Love

Broken-heart-two-part-heart-wallpaper  

The raindrops falling on the window panes remind me so much of the sadness I feel inside. I have loved so deeply and completely and have been hurt in different ways more than once. These experiences have led me to wonder if I will ever find the love I desire. How many of you find yourselves in similar situations? There is no way to avoid getting hurt and all of our experiences help to make us stronger, but what can we really do that will help us to find the love we desire?

Appreciate Being Alone

Being single is a blessing because it helps you to discover more about yourself. The more you understand and love yourself is the more capable you are of creating a valuable relationship with someone. Spend more time with your friends and become involved in activities that will help you discover your interests. Take risks and learn to enjoy life instead of wallowing in self-pity when you see couples who are madly in love.

Know Your Worth

When you know what you stand for and what you deserve, no one can take you for granted and treat you less than you deserve to be treated. Value your body, your time, your money, and your spirituality. As Margret Hatcher once said, "Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction".

Find Comfort and Support from the Right Person

I have one friend who always comes to my mind first when I feel down and want someone to cheer me up. The problem is that he loves me and I love him but we aren't willing to commit to each other which makes the friendship more complicated. He always finds a way to comfort me but he also always finds a way to break my heart. This highlights the importance of finding the right support system which is oftentimes better when the person is the same gender as you.

Don't Give Up

I believe that love is out there for everyone, waiting to be found. Though I feel like giving up many times and resorting to living a life alone, I know that that is not God's plan for me. Don't give up...the right man or woman will come along one day.

We can all find true love but while we're searching we can also do things that will guard our hearts. Also, don't let your past experiences prevent you from moving forward into what could be the best relationship of your life. Use your past to inform and strengthen your present and future.

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Knowing What YOU Want In a Partner

Today I was reflecting on some things that have happened in my life and a particular conversation I had with a friend stood out to me. I don't remember how we began to discuss relationships but I distinctly remember him asking me "What do you really look for in a man?" You would expect that I would be able to spit out the answer with ease but it took me quite awhile to get my thoughts together. You see, I was trying to make the guy I was in love with at the time with fit into what I believe my ideal partner should be and he really was not measuring up in most of the areas.  It wasn't until weeks after that I truly began to understand what my friend was attempting to explain to me....the man you're with should be the man you want to be your PARTNER not just your lover or "go to" person. The Free Dictionary Online defines partner as "one that is united with another in an activity or sphere of common interest". The phrase common interests is so important. What are you really doing with someone who you aren't able to thoroughly enjoy spending time with because he or she takes you to places where you're uncomfortable because those are the places he or she is comfortable? What are you truly doing with someone who doesn't share common beliefs with you? Yes, there is such a thing as compromise but when two people are starkly different, pursuing a relationship really doesn't make sense regardless of how much they love each other.

I think one of my main problems has been that I am ashamed to embrace what I really want in my partner. Either that or I just really did not understand what I wanted until now. The man I choose to unite myself with has to be:

A Christian

Not a God-fearing person or someone who gives his life to God just to please me. He must be a man who is truly mature in his faith and who has an intimate relationship with God. This is a CRITICAL quality in a partner because the man is the head of the household in all matters (including spiritual matters). I have to have a man who can protect me and our family from any spiritual attacks and who can also exercise his faith in God when we are going through rough patches.

Adventurous

My main love language is quality time. "Love Language" is a term coined by Gary Chapman that describes the ways in which we prefer to receive and show heartfelt commitment to our partners. Since my love language is time I NEED to be with my partner on a regular basis and see that he is putting out the effort to spend time with me. It goes beyond chilling with him and watching a movie but he should have a level of spontaneity to bring some adventure into the relationship and look for creative ways for us to spend time together.

Intelligent

As much as I love helping people and conversing with people from various backgrounds, I have to be able to relate to my partner on a higher level. When I want to talk about things such as psychological profiling or the global economic crisis, I should be able to have a hearty discussion that could probably even lead into a thrilling debate. We have to be able to challenge each other intellectually.

A Supporter

I am a woman of many dreams and as a friend, I try my best to support the dreams of others. When the world is coming at me and telling me that I can't do x, y and z I need my partner to be there to look me in my eyes and say "Yes you can". Granted, I do need a wake up call sometimes but, unless that is really warranted, I do need him to support me in the same way that I would support him.

Isn't Afraid of Household Duties

Yes, it is the stereotype that women should cook and clean but I really would appreciate a man who is willing to stand beside me in the kitchen and help me cook a scrumptious meal or maybe even cook a meal for our family once in awhile.  Helping with the laundry would also be a plus because he and I would both be working. We would both be tired so  I don't see why we both can't share the household responsibilities.

Humorous

I'm a serious person. Quirky but serious. I need someone who can loosen me up every once in awhile or put a smile on my face when I'm feeling down or having a bad day. If he is as serious as I am then I doubt that relationship would make sense.

Loving

I DO NOT like aggressive men who believe that they know it all and treat others with disrespect. I also don't like to be treated or touched harshly. I need someone who is willing to be gentle and caring.

These are generally the ideals I am certain I look for in a man. What are your ideals?

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Patience

When searching for the right partner it is so important to have patience. Sometimes, we allow loneliness to force us into relationships that leave us devastated emotionally, mentally and sometimes even physically. I have spoken about understanding timing and how I have come to understand the timing and lessons learnt for specific events in my life. However, in this post I want to focus on patience in a different sense. I want to focus on the patience that a woman needs to exert in order to embrace being courted by a man. In our society, courtship of a woman by a man has almost become a thing of the past. More often than not when a woman sees a man she desires she ends up being the one to court the man in order to get his attention. However, courtship is crucial for the health of a relationship for the following reasons:

It Enables a Man to Prove His Intentions

When a man is interested in a woman he would do almost anything to get her attention but quite a few women give in to a man's initial advances and provide him the "cookie" that he has been so eagerly seeking. Give a man time to prove his worth and what he is really after before you give your heart to him. Allow him to treat you like the queen you are and prove to you that regardless of the many other attractive women there are in the world, you really are the only one he wants in his life. Let him romance you...take you out on dates, call you to chat and whatever else you believe he should do to win your love. I think that 3 months is a good length of time to give a man to show his true intentions. If he isn't worth it then he will give up at least within the first month.

It Allows You to Get to Know Him on An Intellectually Intimate Level

The late night chats and romantic dinners may seem like a facade initially but after at least 6 weeks, men usually begin to show you who they really are. Allow yourself to get to know him beyond the surface and look closely at his dreams and values. if they don't measure up to what you stand for then he isn't worth it regardless of how sexy and irresistible he is.

It Helps You to Feel Good About Yourself

Let's be honest. Women love to know that they are attractive to men. When you give a man time to really pursue you and validate his love for you he is able to make you feel your intellectual, physical and emotional value. Nothing is wrong with a healthy self esteem boost.

All in all, I believe it is important to give a man time to pursue you. Be patient. You may fall in love with him by the second week because of his irresistible charm but you will be giving in too quickly. Love takes time.

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Real Talk

People who know me well know that I love to talk about relationships and "lovey-dovey" issues. However, what many of them don't know is the immense wisdom I have garnered from the relationships I have been in whether they be intimate or platonic. What I am about to say may be things that have been said time and again but I believe that many young women have not come to realise these fundamental truths about finding the right partner and knowing who really is worthy of receiving the key to your heart. DO NOT Give Into the Loneliness Bug

There is this thing that I like to call the 'loneliness bug" that has caused me to make some irrational and regretful decisions. There have been two main stages in my life where I have been extremely lonely and almost on the verge of suicide. The first stage occurred when I was in fifth form and began to develop this feed into my "no relationship with daddy" complex. I could not get out of my head (and still can't) the one time when my grandmother told me that my dad never wanted me. I won't get into my relationship with my dad but her saying that made me feel like I really had no purpose or right to be here. It was at this point that I really began to truly fully notice people in my year group finding love and comfort in each other and I began to wonder...why can't I have that too? This led me to start viewing my friends differently and praying to God to direct me to the guy who would be 'the one' for me. I believe that this loneliness led me to pursue feelings that I had not given myself time to process. So, I ended up in a relationship with my best friend...a relationship that was good while it lasted but I'll express some thoughts about that in another blog.

The second stage occurred when I had just broken up with my boyfriend of four years. I was LONGING for that connection and intimacy with someone again so I started to show interest in someone I knew wasn't right for me and when that interest wasn't reciprocated I got attached to the first guy who pursued me....big mistake. That led to more hurt than good and I finally started 'talking' to someone who started to pursue me thereafter. He was THERE for me and because he was there I gave him my heart....another big mistake.

Learn to Process Your Feelings

The biggest mistake we as women make is to jump into relationships with men because we feel this stirring inside of us because of something he did or because he happened to be there for us in a particular time of need. Those feelings may actually be feelings of gratitude and care for the person rather than feelings of real intimacy. I am now beginning to understand that TRUE intimacy occurs when two people are not only connected to the Source (God) but also are so connected to each other that they're able to know and understand each other's dreams and desires. Don't jump into something until you feel that connection...until the relationship you share is a deep connection between two friends.

Guard Your Heart

"Above everything else guard your heart, because from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23)I never truly understood this verse until I read a novel by Karen Kingsbury about a month ago. Guarding your heart means that you don't allow a man to enter and toy with your emotions just because you don't want to be alone. It means not giving any man the key to your heart until he pursues you like "a dying man in a desert" and shows that he is willing to love you as much as or more than you love him. It means allowing God to nurture your feelings and desires so that, when the time is right, the love you share with your man will be one that springs forth with life.

I am not writing these things to broadcast my life. Instead, I am writing them because as I get older  am truly beginning to understand these fundamental truths and I believe that there are women out there who need to understand them as well. Love can be a beautiful thing when given to the right person.

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