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Intimate relationship


Maturing in Singledom


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Experience teaches least that's what most people say. The tangled web of emotions associated with complicated relationships can often result in experience being thrown through the window and foolish decisions being made. At least that's what my experience has taught me. My experience has also taught me that it may be best for me to be alone and embrace the life of a single woman. Although there is no textbook prescription for a perfect relationship, I have been doing a lot of reading to try to understand how my personality affects my interactions and who would really b the right type of person for me. I started viewing sites such as and taking compatibility quizzes until I saw this image today:


Anger boiled within me as I read the chart. Who really has the audacity to tell me that I am compatible with no one? Why should I allow people's opinions to dictate who I choose to spend the rest of my life with?

This led to me doing some introspection. Each experience I have had has taught me aspects of my personality that I need to change and things I need to do to be happier and enjoy life. I describe these revelations as my "shining lights". Hopefully these shining lights can be your guide as you navigate the waters of singledom.

Shining Light 1:  No One Controls Your Happiness but You

Earlier this year on of my friendships turned sour. This greatly affected me because of how close I was to the person. The pervading thoughts in my mind sucked the joy out of me. Talking about it with my friends didn't help. In fact, it made how I felt worse because I felt it was something I should have battled on my own. Last week I decided to forgive the person completely. Only then did I feel a weight lift off of my shoulders. Only then was I able to communicate with him without feeling resentment. Only then did I realize that when I do enter a relationship, I should avoid harboring resentment in my mind and make the difficult choice to forgive. No one should have power of my thoughts in that way ever again.

Shining Light 2: Create Your Own Experiences

As an introvert, I understand the value of solitude. However, I have never been able to appreciate the value of solitude when going out. In my mind it makes no sense to go out without company. With my very limited budget I have learnt the value of going out alone. There are times when I leave work and find somewhere to just sit and chill with my thoughts. I'm even thinking about taking a road trip sometime next year when I can round up some cash. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company.

Shining Light 3: Loneliness Doesn't Validate Settling

Sometime last month I met an interesting character. Thankfully, he showed is true colours early enough for me to realize that he wasn't worth my time. However, there have been times when my loneliness has gotten so bad that I have thought about contacting him (it's a good thing I deleted his number). Loneliness doesn't make settling for the wrong person worth it. It's better to be alone than to be in an unfulfilling relationship. I have even begun to look at the beautiful relationships that my friends have and used their experiences as examples of what I want for myself.

I am embracing and enjoying my single life. If a relationship is to happen then I will welcome it with the right person. The three shining lights I have outlined will be my guiding principles stepping into the future.



His Wandering Eyes

Image You expect him to be love you and only you. You give him your heart and your all and there's nothing in this world that you wouldn't do for him. So why does he have another woman in his life? Many women intuitively know when their man is cheating. Probably they smell the perfume on his clothes or hear him having hushed intimate conversations on his phone. However, whatever the signs are, the real question is how do you deal with them when you know he is the man you love?

Confront Him

It doesn't make sense avoiding the issue. If you suspect that something isn't right then ask him to be honest about it. If he loves you, he will be honest. Some men will lie and say that nothing is going on and,if that is the case, confront his friends. One of them is bound to tell you what's really going on when you aren't around.

Find Out the Reason

Aside from not being able to be satisfied with what he has, a man may have other reasons for looking to another woman. Talk to him about it and if there is anything you can work on then make an effort to do so. When you are married and have children to think about especially, it is important for you to try to make the relationship work. The hard times should make the relationship stronger. However, when you discuss the reasons with him, you both should be able to come to an understanding that if it happens again you will leave since it is evident he wouldn't have been making an effort to make your relationship work.

Remove Him

Some people are just not worth having in your life regardless of how much you love them. If it is really evident that he is cheating just to fulfill his selfish sexual desires then it is time for you to go because it is bound to happen again. It is hard to walk away but doing so will protect you from a world of hurt further down the road.

Both men and women are attracted to what looks and seems good to them so even when they are in relationships, they have wandering eyes. However, when either party decides to act on that attraction a problem develops. Learn to make these attractions just a fleeting glance instead of a "one night stand" or long term affair for the sake of your relationship. Also, if you suspect your man is cheating, discuss the issue with him and then make a decision about whether or not he is still worth having in your life.


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Warm fingers caressing your body. Sweet kisses on your lips. These are the ways in which the media has caused us to view intimacy...the coming together of two people in blissful coitis(as Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang theory likes to call it). Although I am not discrediting that physical intimacy creates a deep "soul connection" between two people who are in love, I would like to challenge this by saying that it is not the "be all and end all" of the intimacy needed in a relationship. There are three types of intimacy that I believe a relationship must have: 1. Spiritual Intimacy When the Bible speaks about a man and woman becoming one I think it goes far beyond the uniting of two bodies in sex. Both the woman and the man in the relationship should be so connected to God that they each have to seek Him in order to find each other. When they have found each other, that spiritual intimacy should result in them being able to spend time together learning more about God and deepening their relationship with Him. The closer they are to God is the stronger their relationship will be.

2. Mental Intimacy A couple should be able to relate on an intellectual level and should become so close that they are able to read each others thoughts. How do you develop this mental intimacy? This mental intimacy can be developed by communicating with each other regularly and getting involved in activities that you both enjoy. As you take the time get to know each other more, your bond will strengthen.

3. Physical Intimacy As I said earlier, I am not discrediting the fact that there is a need for physical intimacy in a relationship. However, we do need to be careful of how far we take this intimacy before marriage because if it leads to sex, our souls unite with that of the one we are intimate with. Let me put it this way...have you ever wondered why it is so hard for you to let go of someone you have been physically intimate with? It is difficult because that intimacy leads to a uniting of souls...a bond that is very hard to break. Physical intimacy between two people who are in love can be magically but I believe it should be reserved for marriage and should also be explored after the other forms of intimacy have been developed.

Spiritual, mental and physical intimacy combine to bring us into a "true love" experience. The strongest relationships are those in which all three elements are actively pursued and maintained. Let's not follow popular culture and minimize our relationships to sex. Instead, let's deepen the bonds with our partners through placing more emphasis on physical and spiritual intimacy.

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Know Thyself

Image Who am I? Seems like a simple question right? But if you really pause to think about it...what would your response be? Personally, I would give a generic answer such as, "Hi. I'm Christine and I'm a caring person."  However, truly knowing oneself extends far beyond the superficial and forces us to embrace every facet of who we are (both good and bad; both strengths and weaknesses).

I could very easily point out everything I dislike about myself and I have yet to truly embrace the good qualities that I have. As a result, I tend to look for someone to show me what good there really is in me and this, naturally, leads to problems in the intimate relationships I have had. Before you can share yourself with someone else you have to be able to appreciate and accept every facet of your have to be able to know and love who you are. Loving yourself means that you understand your strengths and weaknesses and you know how to minimise your weaknesses and maximise your strengths.

Comparison is one of the things that leads to self-hatred and low self esteem. Trust me, I've been there and done that. However, we have to realise that there will ALWAYS be someone who is better than us or who has more talents than we do. The moment we are able to stop looking at what others have and begin to strengthen what we already possess is when we have truly discovered the meaning of our lives. Look at it this way, people go to the gym to develop their physique. The more they work out is the stronger and more toned they become. If they don't work out they go back to square one and are therefore not able to become the "sexy beasts" they know they can become. Similarly, if we don't do things to develop the strengths we have, they will become underdeveloped and we won't be able to maximise our true potential.

I am beginning my journey of self discovery and I hope that this will help me to have an excellent relationship with my life long partner in the future. Will you begin to embrace who you are and truly LOVE yourself?